an introvert's journey into the world of nursing. a journal of science, venting, and storytelling.
Well, fuck me.
Had three patients at the start, d/c one, one stroked out, gained a medical pt. I thought I did okay. I did all the meds, rounds, new orders, assessments, discharge teaching x2, got a cantankerous old patient up and walking and up to the commode when she just wanted to sleep x2, reacted and responded to stroking patient and family, gave report to ICU (“good report”, said nurse who thinks I’m an idiot (NWTII)).
I was feeling okay with myself around 1830 as I was almost feeling like this was okay, that I was okay, that things were going to be okay finally.
"How many more orientation shifts do you have left?"
"Are you going to ask for more?"
"If you explain your reasons, they’ll give you more."
I have four shifts left. No, I wasn’t going to ask for more based on how things went tomorrow and the next day (today doesn’t count). What are my reasons for asking for more shifts? I thought I did okay today. Yes, everything is new and scary, but I finally am getting a grip on things, I thought?
FUCK me, I have to go back tomorrow and prove myself. I feel like such a fucking loser. I wish someone would give me some concrete feedback!!! J said “you did good today!” on Day 3/4 when I had two patients. NWTII said I gave a good report to ICU. No one has ever said, “you should work on your time management skills”, or, “you should spend more time doing x/y/z”… what am I doing wrong that is so bad no one has brought it to my attention?
I don’t think anyone likes me, either. J booked off her last two mentor shifts with me. M and J and NWTII disagreed about who should “take” me. I feel like I have to force my way into breakroom chatter. No one ever talks about their personal lives with me unless I specifically ask to their face one on one. No one has invited me out to these famed breakfasts after night shift. No one wants to get a coffee with me. I’m pretty sure people are talking about me behind my back. The UA is the only nice one who will engage me or ask how I am.
I have two new bites. My place still looks like a garbage dump. I haven’t done my dishes. Most of my food is carbs or totally spoiled. My dad is going for surgery on the 3rd and I won’t be there. My best friend is having a big party on the 5th and I won’t be there.
I miss home. I miss my family, my friends, my hospital! Should I go back to Victoria? L got a FT position at SPH. I feel like such a fucking idiot. Why on earth did I leave!? People keep asking me and it’s harder and harder to give them an answer.
i got a job offer! for a position that i’m really interested in, but in an area i’m ambivalent to… waiting for an interview for a position i would kill for in a location i’m thrilled about. i called to ask for an earlier interview, but i haven’t had a response yet… argh.i am really just happy to have a job offer in general! but i want to be prudent about what’s best for me at this time…
first days are always hard. instructor seems like she picks favorites, and rides the asses of those who aren’t those lucky few. insane expectations and no background in ER. frustrating. told us the same story 5x about shoddy nursing care and how we always need to be ~perfect~. sorry lady, we’re all humans (last i checked) and we need to know that we have someone on our side if we fuck up or need support. did not get any of that today; she became passive aggressive with a classmate for asking about dress code. when people are too scared to ask questions, they don’t ask question, then mistakes are made from assumptions. you are perpetuating a culture wherein mistakes are insidiously happening.
manager seems awesome, receptive, and intelligent. excellent.
i feel so mentally exhausted from today i just want to scream/cry/sit in a bath until i shrivel into a human prune. boyf is as supportive as he can be, but all i really want is a hug and a shot of whiskey.
i start tomorrow. first day, let’s try this out. the place is packed, the flu and gastro running rampant around the city. fuuuuck.
i know today’s a full moon and all, but like every patient today was like “DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT SURGERY I’M HAVING?!” when i asked them if they knew why they were here. it’s for your safety, champ, i don’t want the overzealous med students to amputate your elbow when you need a lap chole. yo’ welcome.
people were also either super nice, or totally depressed and anxious. talk about a bipolar unit, yeesh. also: worked with cranky 1 (who took the time to teach me something knew, ask for my help, AND thanked me for the help!!!), cranky 2 (who checked on me and made sure i was doing okay), and cpt. clueless (still clueless)… progress! Smiling like an idiot: 1, being bummed out at work: 0.
nursing is so damn hilarious/not hilarious all the time. I grabbed a man’s genitals yesterday because a he bled significantly from his nether-regions, and, of course, my automatic is to apply pressure- sorry dude, being sacked is better than bleeding out (not that I would know from experience…!)
of course, patient next to this gentleman is freaking out because I didn’t come back right away and he can’t wants me to finish putting on his socks, RIGHT NOW!!! while dude #1 is bleeding. dude, if the floor is turning red, and it’s not because of you, count your blessings!
it would be super great if slippers were socially acceptable footwear outside of the home. i mean, come on, they are koala shaped and match my cardigan, at least i am wearing pants.